Sunday, January 17, 2016

on loneliness

Not that it has ever happened, but if someone were to ask why I write personal stuff to share with strangers online, my answer would be that:
a) I believe I'm better at writing than I am at speaking, even if I rarely edit my writing on this blog and basically write as I would speak, and
b) strangers are usually the best listeners (or readers)

I'm finally back. For some reason, I haven't been able to write a post I genuinely enjoy for a while. It's been a crazy few weeks. Many awesome things have happened, such as getting accepted to UBC, and having an interview for Northwestern that went great; however, some other rather unpleasant things have happened, such as my boyfriend leaving for college. I have been extremely excited daydreaming about college lately, since I got accepted to the first one. I have even started thinking about what I'm going to wear when it's winter wherever I end up going to. The idea of university really excites me, which is why I'm also very happy my boyfriend is finally starting college. It was hard to see him go though, probably harder than I ever thought it would be. I am very independent and autonomous, which is why I'm not very good at missing people excessively. Of course I miss people every now and then, but it's never an extremely strong emotion, if that makes sense. It's funny because I thought to myself "wait, so, when my boyfriend is gone, who am I going to text on a Sunday to go get coffee with me?". I know it sounds weird but let me explain. This was the first time I understood that the person I consider my best friend (and I'm someone who values friendship a lot) is no longer going to be here, with me. It hit hard. I felt so alone in the world. I do not have a relationship with anyone that's close to the relationship I have with him. So, yes I can call him and text him, but I can't go get coffee with him and just talk with no restrains until my throat literally hurts from talking so much. I am feeling sad, nostalgic, and even confused. However, I believe the word that really describes my feelings right now is lonely.

I've had a bittersweet relationship with loneliness for most of my high school experience. When I was in ninth grade I once wrote about how I felt like I wanted deeper connections with people, but they didn't seem willing to have them with me. Of course, I was younger and more dramatic, but I enjoy reading my ideas and how I have grown. This is part of that entry, I guess I'll call it.

"Sometimes I cry because I feel like I understand somebody and that they understand me. I feel like there are at least some people that are just like me, and that they could be my dream friends. But then I get to know them better and I realise they do stuff that I don't understand." (2013)

It's a bit funny and broad but I like it for some reason. I was basically referring to how I felt I could not understand those around me and how they could not understand me, and that's why I could not have deep relationships with people.


I had never really "lived" in the past until now. I'm more of a person who lives in the future, always daydreaming and not really actively being part of the present. A person who is very close to me once told me that he thinks I live in the future because I'm optimistic and because my future is full of possibilities and wonders. He said it seemed to him that I learned to appreciate the present while I was in New York this summer. I guess he was right. But now I'm living in a mixture of that past where I lived in the present, and the future. (2014)

I don't know if any of this makes sense, so I'll try to explain it. Loneliness sucks but it's beautiful. It sucks but I would not change it for anything. It is inspiring, moving, and it defines my creative process as an aspiring storyteller. Feeling lonely si refreshing and allows me to keep in touch with all of my different emotions. Of course though, I have friends, a best friend, boyfriend, and family, so I'm not really completely lonely. To me loneliness is not the lack of people, it is the lack of deep, strong, honest relationships with people. And now the one person I have had the deepest relationship with is leaving. Right now, I am feeling lonely, but not artistically inspired. Do you get what's wrong? I'm not feeling the romantic and even self-absorbed sort of loneliness I have always felt. I'm literally lonely right now. To anyone reading this: please, let's go get some tea on Friday and talk about our feelings.

Let us talk about long distance relationships now. I feel like they suck. I have had a long distance friendship for a while now and it's terrible because we miss each other all the time. There is not a single conversation in which we don't say we miss each other. Human's are not built for long distance relationships. We will miss someone even if we text them everyday. We have to see each other not to miss each other. Luckily, my boyfriend is just going to be a 30 minute flight away. I thought I'd just share my opinion now that I'm writing about loneliness and relationships.

I'm aware not many people read my posts when they are so full of text, so I thought I would include some pictures of my weekend, including my recent trip to Bogota.


So yeah, I just basically drank coffee and tea and ate red velvet cake.

Thanks a lot for reading! I'll be back with some outfit posts soon!

Maria



2 comments:

  1. María que hermoso y profundo es este escrito
    Compartes sentimientos maravillosos y algunos sentimos pero que no somos capaces o no tenemos lo habilidad de expresar
    Gracias por regalarnos este maravilloso blog
    Un súper abrazo Espichau

    ReplyDelete
  2. U can text me and we could go for coffee... Just giving out ideas

    ReplyDelete

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